“I am 26 years old. I am a birth mother to a 10 girl and a 1 year old boy. I am a mommy to a 1 year old boy. When I was 16 I had a beautiful baby girl. She was stunning and took your breath away. 48 hrs after she was born I signed the papers to have her placed for adoption. She was going to an amazing family, to a mother who could not have children on her own. As I gave her life it seemed mine was slipping away. It was the hardest, yet best decision of my life. I went in the hospital with a large pregnant belly, and I left with loose skin, engorged breasts, and no baby.”
“I finished high school that year and went to college. During that time I went through a ton of depression. I slept all the time. I ended the relationship with her father after 3 years and got caught up in a abusive relationship. I ended up getting cancer from a molar pregnancy and had to get treatment every 10 days for 6 weeks to kill the cells. My ex could care less and wasn’t even there for my surgery. Finally, I knew it was time to move on and I did. It took me meeting my fiance’ in 2009 to see my self worth. I used to self-mutilate. And when he came into the picture he gave me no choice but to stop or he was out. He made me feel beautiful. He was honest and never lied. March of 2013, I took a pregnancy test because I was cramping pretty badly. It was positive. As much as I wanted to be excited, I couldn’t be because it could mean the cancer is back, the molar pregnancy just telling me that the cysts were back. Doctor’s got me into the office the next day and there he was! I was 6 weeks pregnant. I was so excited.”
“On December 26 I gave birth to Aiden. He was my pride and joy. I was so happy, but deep inside I was extremely sad at the same time. The hospital room was all too familiar. Every time they took him away I was afraid he wasn’t coming back. Every time I nursed him I remembered nursing Julie-Anna (which is what I named her). It was so different driving home with Aiden in the back seat. I was scared and I couldn’t stop thinking about the drive home without a baby years prior. As time went by I struggled with seeing Aiden grow up and knowing what I missed out on with Julie-Anna. But also I realize what I can offer my son now I couldn’t with her. I’m sure she is thriving in life and I am hopeful for her future. I hope that one day I can meet her and she can meet her brother. If not, then that’s okay too. I have my days where I literally cry all day and days where I am so happy with my life. I wouldn’t change my life. I am very blessed to say that I have an amazing life now.”
“Still to this day there are people and family in my life that don’t know that I placed my daughter up for adoption. This story will shock a lot of people who have known me for a long time. My parents and I chose not to tell my sister because of comments she made about adoption and honestly I felt like I didn’t need to explain to her my choices. That being said in an argument we got into last year she texted me saying “well, I know about that baby you gave up because you couldn’t take care of, you slut.” We no longer speak and I haven’t seen my niece in a year and a half.”
“I also wonder how I will tell my son one day that he has a sister. What age? What will I tell him? Will he be upset? Will he want to meet her? Will he meet her? I also want another baby so will I have to explain to 2 children? What if she doesn’t want to meet him or me? I know one day he will understand, but until then?”
“The truth is, I look for her everywhere I go. My biggest fear is that I will walk by her, and to be honest I probably have, and I won’t even know it’s her. I once saw a little girl who was the same age as Julie-Anna, Asian, and kinda looked like me and I just started crying. What if it was her? Worse part was that I was at my niece’s karate class and it made me sad about all of the stuff I missed out on.”
“I do everything possible for my son to give him the best care that I can. He eats organic, he was breastfed for 14 months, He co-slept for 8 months, I make all his food, he hasn’t even tasted baby jar food. I separated all of his shots. I rub coconut oil on his butt every night. I baby wear, I took a baby sleep course. I am in no way saying that if you don’t do all these things that you are a bad mother. But, I think that I do what I do because I try to prove to myself every single day that I am not a bad mom. A mom who gave up on her daughter. Because sometimes I battle with it. Those days I just break down and let myself cry over it. Because I do miss her, everyday and I love her very much.”
