“My scar doesn’t bother me…”

“My scar doesn’t bother me, in fact I don’t even notice it most days. What bothers me is that I have it. I wanted to give birth to a baby without surgery more than anything. I feel like I wasn’t strong enough or brave enough, persistent enough or assertive enough. With each birth I thought it’s going to be different this time. But it seemed like every birth brought new challenges and new problems… and a new surgery. My last birth was the most difficult on me. I really thought I’d be pushing that baby out rather than having it cut from me and whisked away….again. That was the birth that I went into labor naturally, that I labored at home for a good portion, that I fully dilated and pushed for hours. People say that pushing is the most difficult part of labor but I found this to be amazing. I felt strong and powerful. And then it happened again. Surgery. Baby taken away from me without more than a glance. But this time he had to go to the nicu for days. My perfect birth was derailed again. I still cry easily when I think about it. Looking at my scar is not painful for some reason. It’s just a physical after effect that I’m okay with. It’s the feelings of failure and disappointment that are in my heart that still make me sad.”



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