“The first 16 year of my life I was victim to various degrees of mental, physical and sexual abuse by my father.   My body was never mine, it was a sexual object… a piece of property to someone else.  Sometimes I find it hard to believe I was victim to childhood abuse. I’m not sure when it started but bits of information and memories make me believe that it started when I was just a baby.  I remember threatening to call my mom and tell her but he was a very good manipulator. He would tell me that my mom didn’t want me and wouldn’t believe me anyway, and that he would do worse if I ever told.  There wasn’t any way to deny him of doing these things to me, because he had his ways of convincing you to not fight.  Eventually, I stopped fighting and accepted that this is what my life was. I didn’t know of a way out, I was so used to it and too afraid and ashamed to tell anyone. He started creating situations that required me to be punished. Everything I did was wrong. My bed wasn’t made, my bike wasn’t locked up, shoes not put away, bowl left dirty in sink. I was in trouble almost every day. By age 15 he had me more scared for my life than I ever was. He would make surprise visits to school, he got very possessive of me, and he always wanted me around him. The last year with him was the absolute worst of anything I ever went through. This one year or “hell” felt like 10 years to me, I thought it was never going to end.  The near daily abuse was almost too much to bare.  I hear a lot from people who hear about sexual abuse victims and wonder, “why didn’t they just run away or tell someone…I would”. I told someone and they didn’t do anything. I told hoping that someone would save me but it didn’t work. I thought about running away too. He would occasionally bring his gun out as motivation so I was always too afraid to run. I thought, “If I could just get out the door quickly then I could run to someone’s house and then it would be over”. What if he caught me… what would he do to me then? Fear won. Luckily, I was saved. My friend, who was also victim to him, told someone. The police were called and I was picked up from school by a detective. My life had changed forever. Through the struggles, I got a chance to start over and move forward. I learned to let go and not hide. I still have little struggles with being insecure about my body, but my husbands love and support and all the strength and influence from my wonderful mommy friends, helps encourage me. I now see my body as a vessel for growth, nutrition, comfort, love and a natural and beautiful story. It’s hard to be ashamed of something that played a part in creating my beautiful babies. My heart aches sometimes when I think of the possible things my children might have to endure in their life. I don’t understand how anyone could hurt their child. My life could have gone in many different directions, had just one person been there for me fully. Nothing in life is perfect and although I want to protect my kids from everything, I know I cant let my past dictate how I raise my kids. I am not going to promise to provide them with a life I wish I had, but instead I promise to be there for them, protect and love them and do the best I can.”