“I’ve always been very hard on myself. Even as a little…”

“I’ve always been very hard on myself. Even as a little girl. My mom saved everything from our childhood, including letters I would write to her. In one particular letter I wrote when I was 7, I told her I felt fatter and uglier than my 3 sisters. I told her I was an odd ball. There were some traumatic events that happened to me a few years earlier and I imagine those events shaped the hatred that started developing for my body at such a young age. The self-hatred continued into my 20s and, as time passed, it made me a guarded, angry and a borderline aggressive person at times. I picked myself apart and became very body obsessed. I never allowed myself any slack, even emotionally. I refused to cry in front of anyone and thought I should not be susceptible to the fluctuations of emotions. At 30 years old, it took me 26 years, to fully admit my trauma out loud. It was then that my healing started. A year later I met my husband. Without any effort at all on his part, just by being the amazing man he is, he melted me. I felt true personal freedom for the first time in my life. Then we had our baby. These two life events have changed me in profound ways. I am softer; heart and body…and it’s okay. It’s like all of the layers of protection I had carefully constructed have been peeled away and I’m exposed. It felt very uncomfortable for a while, but I love this person. I love the person I’ve become; deep feeling, empathetic, and vulnerable. I am not only capable of loving others; I am finally capable of receiving it. That is so much more important than I ever realized. Being open to receive love from others and from myself knowing that I deserve it, has been life changing for me.”


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